You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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