I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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