I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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