Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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