Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
