The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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