Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
