sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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