shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
