how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize