I wish I could teleport
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
