I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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