What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
