Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
