He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
