i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
