im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize