God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
