You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
