i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
