he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
