We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
