Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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