Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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