Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
