Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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