dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
