1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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