It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
