Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
