dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
God I need to hump something, right now.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
