i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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