My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize