I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize