Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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