I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
