Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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