if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
As shirtless as possible
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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