You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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