my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
