News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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