i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
