Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
