she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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