I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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