Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
