Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
