Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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