woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
