Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Can you bring me the toilet please
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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