If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
