I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
