I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
false alarm, still single
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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