btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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