she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
