I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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