If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize