Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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