we have pet lesbian snakes
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
