I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize