I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
