Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
