hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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