proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
