woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
